To All The Givers Of Grace

To all the Givers of Grace, you who helped me become human again, who loved me when I felt unloveable and who continue to love me in good days and bad

It is hard to live alone, with no best friends near by, no one to cry with, laugh with, share my joys with I struggle to find my true self, to find what my God is calling me to do with my life

So I come to you, my friends, my family, my connection to sanity You may not be here in person, although you are as close in my soul and my spirit You are in my dreams My dreams are comforting, consoling, often filled with laughter, tears and a true embrace from those who value my existence on this earth Then I awake to a world of craziness and constant struggle Struggle to make ends meet, Struggle to be heard, Struggle to stand strong and determined to live my life as I am called to

Those without eating disorders, try to understand, they work hard and they do their bestWhen people tell me how good I look,I end up spending time in front of the mirror wondering if they were telling me the truth

It is not the same as turning around to see your faces, ready to hold my hand when I am afraid, to be the “perfect” hug, and the perfect smile To have you there when I want to run, and you allow me to run right into your arms, and even when I “feel” as though I should be “done” and that I am “fine” you remind me that I am “human”

I try so hard to be strong, Strong in faith, spirit, leadership, and motivation Some times I can’t do it and I am afraid to tell you, those who know me best I am afraid that sharing the darkest words of my soul will vanish you from my life forever

I can’t do this alone and I realize that Once a dedicated woman ready to wipe out this cunning, baffling and powerful disease, I sit here after eating too much and then still eating and so wanting to purge, although I don’t Seeing the scale I “feel” as though it is actually “calling” my name I fight the urge constantly

Having the courage to aske the nurse at the doctors whether or not I really “need” to get weighed and then having the other nurse ask me “you’re not going to get that disease where you start losing and can’t stop are you?” and to respond with “I am actually recovering from that disease and that is why I don’t like to get on the scale (backwards or even at all)” She apologized later and said she didn’t mean to offend me-it is just that she is so proud of me and all the hard work I have done That made me “feel” good and then I starting thinking about all the times I wasn’t “good”, the times I slip and let ED get ahold of me

I need your strength, your support, your love I need you On the days I wonder why I went through the pain of getting treatment and did it really make a difference, I remember you On the days when I feel as though everything is the same in my life, I remember you

Mary Pat strives to give others hope and to let them know that they are not alone in this fight She wants to support others in making the choice to recover because recovery is possible

http://wwwreflectingracecom

Tags | calling, constant, courage, craziness, disorders, eating, existence, laughter, mirror, perfect, spending, struggle