8 Strategies For Coping When Your Partner Is Depressed

Copyright 2006 Sara Dryburgh
DON’T COLLUDE WITH THEM
You want to be sympathetic but that doesn’t mean accepting their
depressed world view For instance if they just can’t face
getting up in the morning, don’t accept that, insist that they
do Be sympathetic, make them a nice cup of tea, make them
breakfast but insist that they do in fact get up You don’t
actually help them by validating their own depressed view of
things
DON’T LET THEM CONTROL YOU
If your partner is depressed it’s going to have quite an impact
on your own life as well There will be things that you might
want to do with them that they don’t want to do, there will be
things that you would normally expect them to do which you have
to do yourself Try as far as possible not to let them control
you If they really really don’t want to go out in the evening
and that’s important to you, then go out with friends Don’t
necessarily make a huge thing of it but make sure that their
problem doesn’t limit your own life more than it has to
ENCOURAGE THEM TO DO WHAT THEY CAN
Recognise that however depressed they are they are not
completely disabled There must be something that they are still
able to do, maybe even something that they still enjoy doing
Make sure you recognise that, make them see that you appreciate
it Remember that they have a depressed part and they have a
healthy part Your natural tendency is to pay attention to the
depressed part, so make a real effort to recognise the healthy
part Are they still managing to go into work? Are they still
managing to help you with the children? Are they still managing
to cook a meal for you both on occasions? There is something
there which is still working, make sure that you recognise it
and make sure they know that you appreciate it
DON’T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR PROBLEMS
They may on occasions blame you for their problems ‘I am
depressed because youIf it hadn’t been for what you did then
things would be different’ They may not say it, but may sulk in
ways designed to make you feel guilty You may simply feel
guilty in the way that many people are programmed to feel guilty
about anything bad that’s going on around them, regardless of
whether it is their fault Remind yourself that it is a problem
for you in that this is your partner who is suffering but it’s
not your fault The causes of this problem are elsewhere, you
are doing what you can to help
AVOID FEELING OMNIPOTENT
There is a terrible terrible temptation to feel that you can
save them, that you on your own can solve this depression and
get things back to where they were before It is not possible
Of course there are things that you can do to help but the roots
of this depression probably lie long long ago in childhood or in
other factors which are completely outside of your control
There is a limit to what you can do It’s very easy to start
feeling stressed and guilty when you feel ‘I should be doing
moreI should be able to help this personSurely there is
something more that I could do’ Accept that you are doing
everything you can Recognise that solving the problem will take
professional help It may be psychotherapy or counselling, it
may be pharmaceutical treatments or it may simply be the passage
of time It’s not within your power to solve this other person’s
problem however much you may want to or feel that you should
BE AWARE OF HOW YOUR PARTNER’S PROBLEMS COULD PROVOKE PROBLEMS
IN YOURSELF
We all have areas within us of weakness, low self esteem,
feelings of helplessness, or feelings of repressed anger It
often happens that we are drawn towards partners who have
similar characteristics tous This maybe positive but it can
also be negative Having a partner who is depressed and is
showing those sort of feelings very clearly can also provoke the
corresponding feelings in ourselves This makes things very
difficult for us You need to recognise that this can be
happening and if necessary look for appropriate help yourself
TRY TO SHOW COMPASSION AND DEAL WITH YOUR OWN FEELINGS
Having a partner who is depressed could provoke a whole range of
unhelpful feelings in yourself It could be anxiety; you don’t
know what is going to happen, are they going to become
completely disabled? Will they still be able to work? Will you
end up with financial problems? It could be anger, if they are
making things difficult for you, if you are having to do more
and more of the things which they used to do It could be
depression in yourself Be aware of these feelings, be prepared
for them Try to be as compassionate as possible towards your
partner but recognise that you will have other less helpful
feelings towards them
BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A SOLUTION
Depression is not a fatal condition It can be treated, by means
of psychotherapy, by counselling, by pharmacological treatments
or a combination of those, or it may simply resolve itself with
the passage of time Recognise that there is hope, that there is
light at the end of the tunnel and be prepared to do what you
can to help your partner move towards it

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